Heart break

Well you might be thinking it's another of those sad posts people find an escape to phrase their emotions when they themselves can't, to beileve in a created version of what "heart breaking" can help them objectify a certain feeling of desolation. But let me tell you, this post isn't any of those. You will see.

It's been quite some time I think. It's been quite some time I wanted to love someone. Though I desperately wanted not to realize the same.

Love is a word, but there's a lot more to it. I think I didn't understand the meaning of for a long time.  In relationships, whatever kind it maybe, we misuse the word very often. And after one relationship end, we start to question the whole point of it and how the word love played it's part.

Trust is such a big thing, that it's been sometime I have doubted every person I met, it eventually made me scared to love. Trust comes eventually with love, and it took me sometime to realize that I have been scared to love, because of breaking my trust again. So it has become the first thing I think when I get close to someone, is when will this person go.

So I tried something else. I started caring less about people, and their words. I tried to believe more on actions. I started forgetting about my past or future, and living in the present, therefore there's no expectations about a forever or a heart break. Places meant more to me, when it was about going out, rather than the person I was going it. I tried looking into the small pleasures of life. I promised myself, I can't afford to be unhappy even for a second, about the people who will not mean anything in 5 years.

And sometimes it's funny when I think of it. Much of this word love and what it means to us is a self created version amplified with  human emotions. As Tars said (from interstellar) "Absolute honesty isn't always the most diplomatic nor the safest form of communication with emotional beings". Yes, a lot of this heart break and disappointments is an attribute of a self created version of how we choose to feel, when we could have felt the same situation differently. We let ourselves be affected, and what's better than to understand that we gave everything and the other person didn't as much, a notion of self pity, or it can be a despite on what we could have done better than let it go. But I think, none of this actually is worth thinking about, because it leads nowhere. What has ever happened has been the best it could have happened in that situation, and it's not possible to reverse a past however possible.

Well, I know there's a lot of different kind of relationships, and it won't be good to give a judgement without experiencing each kind, but what I mean to tell you is, it's possible to take responsibility for your emotions and not only actions. You can choose to feel differently, rather than be vulnerable.

City of Joy

The extravagance of this festive season keeps on increasing every year. From tiered lightings to themed pandals, from detailed idols to ritualistic celebrations, everything is done by hand for these few days. What is more apparent, is the joy in everyone's minds to cherish each and every moment of these 10 days, by celebrating, laughing and mostly looking good.

Having kept my life low lately, I found it hard to not divulge in this excitement. What appealed to me the most is the unique smell of the seasonal flowers, the autumnal weather, and the craze that Kolkata puts up with every single year.

However far I want to go, a home to a Bengali will always be what Kolkata has to offer to them.

Dream

I wanted to fly. So I jumped.
But only after a few seconds, I realized I wasn't flying, I was falling.

But I was not scared. It felt free.
After all why be scared to see the world, it's magnanimousity and beauty. The moment seemed infinite.

And in the end even if I die when I hit the ground, I have nothing to regret.
I have already achieved what life seeks .

Find your infinity too .

Money can buy Happiness?

Recently, I was reading a post of one of my friends on this topic, "Can money buy happiness?" The post was a usual combination of philosophical expressions and interspersed musings what this day young adults are so prone to ventilate. I myself also belong to this category, yet it struck me that this topic might not belong the usual lot of views.

The last few days

The last few days of his work life was still what a man could do. Pushing himself to his limits.

My dad was retiring from his work. It occurred to me for the last few years left, that how it would be to have him in the home, nothing to do, and he will be ill-at-ease. Well, but he would surely think himself weak, not able to find much things to prove himself. I was contemplating how the man can be okay by saying "it's okay".

Death

I sometimes think, what is death actually? Is it what science tell us that all biological processes in our bodies stopped? Then, is all processes working makes us alive?

It's strange that how we know as the spirit, in these bodies of biological processes, actually goes through a self actualization process of understanding complex spheres of quality. But then so strange that a heart and brain with blood​flowing around can make us alive.

Madness.

The other day, while going to college I saw a mentally ill person on the road. For a long time looked at the person, trying to understand his actions. I felt sympathy for him.

Thoughts linked and I went on to think why he must act in such a way. It was meaningless. But he wasn't completely wrong. He understood the earth and it's living and  non living beings. I gathered, there must be a reason for his actions which is only justified to him, yet not explainable to others.