Well you might be thinking it's another of those sad posts people find an escape to phrase their emotions when they themselves can't, to beileve in a created version of what "heart breaking" can help them objectify a certain feeling of desolation. But let me tell you, this post isn't any of those. You will see.
It's been quite some time I think. It's been quite some time I wanted to love someone. Though I desperately wanted not to realize the same.
Love is a word, but there's a lot more to it. I think I didn't understand the meaning of for a long time. In relationships, whatever kind it maybe, we misuse the word very often. And after one relationship end, we start to question the whole point of it and how the word love played it's part.
Trust is such a big thing, that it's been sometime I have doubted every person I met, it eventually made me scared to love. Trust comes eventually with love, and it took me sometime to realize that I have been scared to love, because of breaking my trust again. So it has become the first thing I think when I get close to someone, is when will this person go.
So I tried something else. I started caring less about people, and their words. I tried to believe more on actions. I started forgetting about my past or future, and living in the present, therefore there's no expectations about a forever or a heart break. Places meant more to me, when it was about going out, rather than the person I was going it. I tried looking into the small pleasures of life. I promised myself, I can't afford to be unhappy even for a second, about the people who will not mean anything in 5 years.
And sometimes it's funny when I think of it. Much of this word love and what it means to us is a self created version amplified with human emotions. As Tars said (from interstellar) "Absolute honesty isn't always the most diplomatic nor the safest form of communication with emotional beings". Yes, a lot of this heart break and disappointments is an attribute of a self created version of how we choose to feel, when we could have felt the same situation differently. We let ourselves be affected, and what's better than to understand that we gave everything and the other person didn't as much, a notion of self pity, or it can be a despite on what we could have done better than let it go. But I think, none of this actually is worth thinking about, because it leads nowhere. What has ever happened has been the best it could have happened in that situation, and it's not possible to reverse a past however possible.
Well, I know there's a lot of different kind of relationships, and it won't be good to give a judgement without experiencing each kind, but what I mean to tell you is, it's possible to take responsibility for your emotions and not only actions. You can choose to feel differently, rather than be vulnerable.
