Maybe, if it didn't happen...

Hi, I'm a dog. I really don't have a home. I get food maybe twice a day at most, that too if I'm lucky. I try and manage you know. I go about looking here and there and sniffing. I really like humans. I feel they are so respectable and I like to obey them. If you look closely, they aren't much different from me you know. I feel I understand them. Sometimes they give me food, some of them pat me and I go about prancing around them. I really like them, have I told you that already? You can tell, my stupid tail always wags when I'm happy.

I'm happy. Yeah. I don't feel anything is too shabby in this world. With all the days I go by barely eating and sleeping on the street being the best condition I get, I'm still happy. I go about barking at night if I see a stranger near my home.

Home. That's a stranded thought. To be honest, this place has been my home last 10 days. But that doesn't matter you know. I make it my own. The people in these houses are like my family. I like protecting them. That little girl on that yellow house, over there, do you see it? She is my new best friend. She always smiles and jumps about with me whenever she comes out to play. But, that's not much actually. She has studies to do. And her mother doesn't like me, she feels I'm dirty. I don't blame her, I am dirty, yes! But you know even with everything I'm happy.

I used to have a master. When I grew up, my mom and I used to stay in the street in front of my master's house. In fact you know, I was born in his house. He used to love me so much, play with me and give me food. When I could walk my mother took me out to the street. She told me that it was his house and it was not our place to stay since we are dirty. But he was our master all right. Everytime he will go out I will be jumping with excitement. What fun it was, you know. Ah, well. Who doesn't love their childhood.

But then that day came when he left. My mother said that they wanted to go to a new house, which confused me. What was wrong with this house? For me it was so much bigger and cleaner than the corner of the street I used to sleep in. I chased the car that day, till I could. I ran and ran and called at him. But in the end, I lost him.

Well, I'm here now and happy. We have moved from that place too. Infact we are constantly moving. I make my everyday eating the scraps out of thrown out food, and chase cats and follow people. I go places you know. People are funny creatures yoh know. Some girls almost squish me inside them, cuddling and all, as if they haven't seen a dog! And then there are small boys who throw pebbles at me and I reprimand and run away. But I don't mind any of that. I feel there should be a balance. You know what I mean?

I was really happy. Until now.

After I had our dinner, mom and I were walking through the streets. Suddenly a motobike rashed in from somewhere. It's not the first time I have seen bike rashes, and I have always avoided them. But today it was different. Like in a blink of an eye, my world shattered. The bike came and crashed onto my mother directly spilling a line of blood from her left feet. In a matter of shock I started barking as my mom moaned in pain. I was only sad by that time, but to my utter surprised the bike returned back and ran over my mother the second time as she was not able to move from her position. It crippled my heart as I saw my mom sqeal for the last time. But the bike came again and thrashed whatever was left of my mother into a red smear of broken corpse. My mind bogled and I felt stupified, unable to move by the tragedy that happened by such horrendously evil actions. The bike came back and this time I was outraged and I barked as much as I can, more because of despair.

It's midnight now and I'm still sitting a feet away from my mother. Despair and desolation have filled me. It's scary how with one event your whole life can stop and shatter. Everything that gave me happiness, now has no meaning. Just the thought of someone can be so cruel doesn't perplex me anymore. I have been moaning, but in this eerie winter night, there's no one to be seen. I think I will not be able to look at a human being the same way I used to ever again.

Sunset

It was around six when the red tint slowly started to mix with the dark blue of the night sky. A chill of the night started to surround us, as I still reminiscing the light breeze of a summer afternoon and the constant silence that didn't break the peace between us. It has been a while we have been sitting like this, without words, without any kind of sound, only a few chirps of birds from here and there, yet it never swayed the mood of two person with one single line of thought.

There's a lack of verbal communication, yet, we were speaking. I was constantly looking into the eyes, those calm beautiful eyes, that were in pain, afraid yet, surviving, trying and trying, looking at this beautiful sky with respect, and everything that it promises, and just a beautiful sunset to a life. I looked at the hands that held mine, as I have felt for years, frail yet was supporting, trying to give everything that is left within. Listening and ever attentive, this age of childishness has made her more inquisitive, yet the worldly truth and wisdom hasn't left her, averse to all the banter of this new generation on old age.

But, today it was just that I was happy to sit and remember my childhood memories with her, my grandmother.

Fear

Do you know how fear works?
We react in many ways towards it, we scream, we excape, we hide and very few times we fight back. 
But what is fear? And do we always know that we are afraid, or what we are afraid of? We all know it's not really useful to be afraid, but most times we increase the fear rather than decreasing it.

Some seek to express it to others, some tame it within themselves. Some fight it back themselves, some expect others to resolve it. Some give up, some handle it wrongly. And  some avoid it. Fear can be about anything yet all fear have only one purpose, and that is to stop you.

Please do not mix paranoia with fear, ever though there's a thin line between them and are interconvertible. Both are self created, and both are self remediated. But paranoia is most times baseless, and when the heart doesn't want to realise even when it knows what the truth and what is going to happen.

It's easy to let yourself go into the hands of fear. It was always easy to explain yourself. But the hard part is when you have to accept the truth that you are afraid and that what you are afraid of and how you can overcome it. The first step is to stop thinking a great deal about it. You hands will tremble, you heart will quiver, and you hands will turn cold, but what you have to know is, it's not as big as you think it is. And sometimes it's okay to accept that you have failed. Not sometimes actually, it's always right to accept, to know how weak you are. Infact who actually fail are thought who cannot accept their weakness.

So, that being said, fear is simple, but fight it is complex. Again if you figure it out how to fight it back, it's again simple. Simple and complex are just to sides of the same coin. Remember what stands between you and what you want is always yourself.

What if

What if you did love.
What if all those stories, those fantasies about love were true.
What if for a moment everything was beautiful, and everything was fresh for the first time.
What if your heart would race at someone's presence.
What if you would just smile to ourselves, satisfied and content.
What if you would sing, writing unknown Melody to a self known lovestory.
What if you felt protected and cared for.
What if you would just look at someone's eyes for a moment and feel like an enternity when you don't want to be disturbed.
What if their heart beat sound so reassuring when  you put your head across their chest.
What if you hold their hands, run through the lanes, laughing, smiling, not knowing about time, but just want to hold it more and more Everytime.
What if you can just sit with them silently, yet talking so much.

What if it did happen.

What if you never wanted someone to be perfect, but rather just dreamt of these perfect moments.
What if you never believed in them, until now, but had always wished for them.
What if you were just too scared, to believe in what was real and what was a dream, that you got lost in between.
What if when you can finally cherish them, you cannot keep them anymore.

Is there a place in this world for such a love. A love which will always remain fresh and beautiful in our minds. Where there are no reasons, lies, obsession, fear, unsatisfaction and many others things.

What if this love was enough.

A train journey

It was just a random day, nothing special, nothing exciting. Just a random day, that I was making a journey. Heart broken and lost, as the modern day concoction delivers on average people with hope, I was also making a journey to somewhere, someplace, don't know, yet believing on others statement that it was a place worthy of visit.

Train journeys has always been a more endearing travel, and a travel I haven't done for ages, I looked forward to it with whatever was left to look forward to. And wait, dear reader, when I say so before you amuse yourself establishing the judgement of either a pessimistic person or a overdramatic person on me.

But I didn't expect what I got that night. Exhausted of this hectic life of overburdened responsibilities, fake momentary jubilations and overcast eyebrows of a overwhelming sorrow that everyone of us is a prisoner of, I had forgotten what peace felt like.

It started slowly, as the cold breeze felt on my bare cheeks, and then suddenly with a rush. Don't know from where it came, but I was smiling. The scenaries changed and slowly the darkness went even darker. I felt peace in that calming total darkeness with flickering lights glowing somewhere so far away, I barely could see, but it was there.

The breeze grew colder. My fragile nervous puny human self groped for a piece of cloth to cover myself, after all "I might catch a cold, right". But my mind danced outside the window in the bewilderness of dead night. I gasped to myself, I haven't seen a night so dark. And it was true. If living in a urban vegetation, you are commiserating on your dead soul matching the dark night, you are yet to see what the some people live by, where there's no electricity.

And it wasn't dead. The darkness was fucking alive!

My self conciousness caught my dramatic musing and I ignored any further ado, and prepared to sleep. Tired, I almost slept for first 10 minutes, until suddenly I woke up, and felt cautious about my possessions. With a slight check on things, which was otherwise perfect unless for my panicky nature the fast paced urban life bore, I tried to go back to sleep. But only this time, I couldn't sleep, and I lied wide awake.

It was the perfect setting for, you know, deep thinkers. I looked out through the window above my head. The sound of the travelling train was quite loud with jolts, and it was the monotonous music I accepted. It was so beautiful, the darkness, that I surprised myself. With little stars shining just bright enough not affecting the bed of black, it was just beautiful enough to make me look at them for a forever.

Always

Love. What is it? Is it a sacrifice, a protection, an empathy, care, forgiveness, honesty... What is it? Maybe all I ever wanted was love, and yet maybe I could never see it around me. Expecting affection from places not worth expecting, yet overlooking what's already have been around me is a common phenomena we all do. But the pain of a requited love is so big and the mistake bigger than that, that maybe I forgot what love is all about. That love doesn't reside in those small sweet words but rather felt in actions, in all those nouns affore mentioned. Yet, we rely on those sweet words, we yearn for them to make promises. And sometimes even if we know those promises will be broken.

As much as I yearn for love, I'm also scared of it. I'm scared that I will loose what I love. I have been scared, always, that things are never "a forever", whether it was promised or not. But this simple thing is so hard to understand. Somethings stay for a short time, some other things stay a little longer. But nothing stays forever. Still, we promise a lifetime. But till we know, when that moment is going to come, we take it for granted that it is going to stay always. And sometimes, we are so scared about it's leaving that it's always in our conscience even when it's still there with us.

Of randomized thoughts on interspersed vacancies, it started to hit me that my love might be poisonous. That it may be so claustrophobic that it may slowly kill someone until they break away. To save you the over dramatic nature of the sentence, all I mean to say is, I'm not sure I will ever be able to love and be loved back, for whatever love means, without being scared of loosing it. I tried to fix myself, by understanding, patience, mental business, but it seems I don't seem to wrap my head around the fact that the one who is to stay will stay, until it's time to leave. Beautiful versions of this mind stays only till the negativities don't hit, and those points of time the heart takes over the head, loud enough to turn everything poisonous, and ending up almost choking the thing that is loved.

Maybe that isn't love at all. Maybe, the scare of losing what once loved, had moved to a position of wanting something else which neared a proposition of a similar feeling even before it was love.

So, I gave up. I gave up on binding anything I love to myself. I gave up on any idea of chaining myself to the object of love and any commitment hereafter made because of the boundaries. Love isn't depended  on boudaries or commitments, a mistake mosty made nowadays. To love, doesn't mean to show, and doesn't need any promises. Love is going to stay, even if the object of love stays or not. Love, if there's a thing, should be simple, should always remind us why we love it. And maybe, it's true when said, if you love, let it go.

Heart break

Well you might be thinking it's another of those sad posts people find an escape to phrase their emotions when they themselves can't, to beileve in a created version of what "heart breaking" can help them objectify a certain feeling of desolation. But let me tell you, this post isn't any of those. You will see.

It's been quite some time I think. It's been quite some time I wanted to love someone. Though I desperately wanted not to realize the same.

Love is a word, but there's a lot more to it. I think I didn't understand the meaning of for a long time.  In relationships, whatever kind it maybe, we misuse the word very often. And after one relationship end, we start to question the whole point of it and how the word love played it's part.

Trust is such a big thing, that it's been sometime I have doubted every person I met, it eventually made me scared to love. Trust comes eventually with love, and it took me sometime to realize that I have been scared to love, because of breaking my trust again. So it has become the first thing I think when I get close to someone, is when will this person go.

So I tried something else. I started caring less about people, and their words. I tried to believe more on actions. I started forgetting about my past or future, and living in the present, therefore there's no expectations about a forever or a heart break. Places meant more to me, when it was about going out, rather than the person I was going it. I tried looking into the small pleasures of life. I promised myself, I can't afford to be unhappy even for a second, about the people who will not mean anything in 5 years.

And sometimes it's funny when I think of it. Much of this word love and what it means to us is a self created version amplified with  human emotions. As Tars said (from interstellar) "Absolute honesty isn't always the most diplomatic nor the safest form of communication with emotional beings". Yes, a lot of this heart break and disappointments is an attribute of a self created version of how we choose to feel, when we could have felt the same situation differently. We let ourselves be affected, and what's better than to understand that we gave everything and the other person didn't as much, a notion of self pity, or it can be a despite on what we could have done better than let it go. But I think, none of this actually is worth thinking about, because it leads nowhere. What has ever happened has been the best it could have happened in that situation, and it's not possible to reverse a past however possible.

Well, I know there's a lot of different kind of relationships, and it won't be good to give a judgement without experiencing each kind, but what I mean to tell you is, it's possible to take responsibility for your emotions and not only actions. You can choose to feel differently, rather than be vulnerable.